Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Torts Final Exam from Hell!

John, Paul, Ringo and George are driving down a country road one Saturday. Unbeknownst to them, they have strayed on to Farmer Cyrus' land. Cyrus is steaming mad and comes after them in his truck with both of his children, Billy-Ray and Susie-Q, aged 11 and 8 respectively. After a brief chase, John stops the car when the road ahead is blocked by a logger crew clearing the woods to hold back a forest fire. Getting out of the car, John tries to reason with Farmer Cyrus. Unfortunately, Ringo misinterprets Cyrus' twangy speech as a threat against his friend John and grabs Susie-Q, threatening to pop her head off like a dandelion if Farmer Cyrus doesn't leave them alone. Cyrus and Billy-Ray are understandably enraged and in response Billy-Ray throws a rock at George, but misses and hits John Cleese, a lumberjack, in the back of his head, causing a tree he was sawing to fall back and hit John's car, crushing it. The lumberjack, stunned, grabs his helmet, which had been laying on the ground and gathers some lumberjack buddies to beat up Farmer Cyrus for Billy-Ray's actions and to keep Billy-Ray from throwing more rocks as poorly as he threw the first one. Since Cyrus and Billy-Ray are distracted with the lumberjack situation, Paul sneaks over to Cyrus' truck and gets in, yelling to John, Ringo and George, "Get In!” The four take off in Farmer Cyrus' truck, leaving him and Billy-Ray to their fate at the hands of Cleese and his lumberjacks. Cleese comes up and punches Farmer Cyrus, a blow that would normally bruise, and snaps his ribcage like matchsticks. “I’ll get you for that!” Cries Cyrus. “No way, I barely touched you, there’s no way you can hold me to that, besides, your snot nosed kid threw a rock at me first!” Cleese retorts. “He’s not really mine, he’s YOURS!” Cries Farmer Cyrus. Billy-Ray looks over to Cleese, realizing it’s true and bursts into tears and begins sobbing hysterically.

John, Paul, Ringo and George are riding along, singing to the radio at the top of their lungs, still holding Susie-Q hostage, Paul takes a turn in the road too sharply and the truck's (a brand new Yellow Submarine brand vehicle) brakes fail when he tries to slow down. The truck flies off the road, driving up through the lawn of Jim Morrison, through his house, and ending up in his swimming pool, crushing his friend Stevie Nicks. "Oh man! You totally messed up my lawn dudes! And ran over Stevie in the pool!" Cries Morrison. "I am the Lizard King, and I'm going to get you for trespass and negligence and swimming pool crashing and conversion of my chattels and stuff! Where are the Riders on the Storm when you need them? I'm gonna break on through to YOUR other side!" Susie-Q, terrified at Morrison's haggard appearance and his wild exclamations, bursts into tears. Ringo, upset at Susie-Q's outburst begins crying himself and lets Susie-Q go, saying he's sorry and the he hopes she'll forgive him. Instead, she kicks him in the shin and runs off, to get help from Mama Cass. Morrison grabs a samurai sword off the wall and brandishes it at John, Paul, Ringo and George, claiming they have to stay until the police arrive or he'll make sure the police only find pieces of them. Undeterred, George grabs a rabid weasel on a stick and waves it in Morrison's direction saying, "Go ahead you washed up musician, I'm privileged to defend myself with a little help from my friends against your sword with this rabid weasel on a stick. We're leaving." A brief sword/weasel fight ensues, in which Ringo ends up being bitten by the rabid weasel. "Leave me, save yourselves." Ringo gasps. John, Paul and George flee the scene with a crazed Jim Morrison waving a samurai sword after them. They hop into Morrison's Bentley and take off.

As they flee back into town, the three passengers are not looking where the Bentley is going and plow into a bus stop, running over John Bonham. Robert Plant, Jimmy Page and John Paul Jones, Bonham's business partners hold Bonham in their arms as the man dies slowly and agonizingly. "Oh no, we'll never be able to make that triple platinum selling album we were going to record tomorrow! And the tour! We'll never be able to make any money on the tour! You three have ruined us!" Plant cries. Norman Greenbaum, a passerby sees the scene and is horrified. He later has to see a psychiatrist, Nancy Sinatra, for months to deal with his recurring nightmares involving cars, bus stops, boots made for walking, and spirits in the sky. During the course of the treatment, Greenbaum’s psychiatrist molests him, leading him to believe that it is part of the “healing” process.

Backing the Bentley out of the bus stop and over Bonham's body again, horrifying passerby (including Greenbaum), Paul looks in the rear view mirror and sees none other than Mama Cass coming after them on her Ducati motorcycle. Peeling out and back into traffic, the Bentley and the Ducati weave through traffic while Mama Cass throws ninja stars at the Bentley, several of which hit a passerby, Mick Jagger, causing his lips to puff up permanently. The wild ninja-star throwing chase causes many cars to be run off the road, several flying into local businesses, injuring several people, including Jimi Hendrix, who is trying out left-handed guitars at Guitar Superstore. Further along in the carnage, comedian Dane Cook is badly maimed, ending his performance mid-stand-up, saving his audience members any more agony having to listen to his same tired old jokes. However, the building Dane is performing in is made from spit and cardboard courtesy of AC/DC Construction who subcontracted the work to Cheap Trick Builders and collapses, crushing Dane and his audience with him.

Mama Cass finally blows out Bentley's tires and the car rolls to a stop. Beaten, the three sit in the car while Mama Cass comes up and harangues them, claiming she's going to put a full page ad in the paper describing all their wrongdoings, and how wicked they are. Then she threatens them with all sorts of lawsuits including animal molestation, bank robbery, treason and sedition, to teach them a lesson. While she's yelling at them, she takes a bite of her ham sandwich from Crosby, Stills and Nash Bakery, and suddenly begins choking on a ham bone. The trio looks on as she turns blue and falls the ground, making the international sign for choking (which looks strikingly similar to the Cleveland Indians logo). While this is going on, an engine from Ronnie Van Zandt's charter plane falls from the sky, landing on the choking, angry farmer's wife, crushing her instantly.

Smarting from his crushed and broken hand as a result of the car accident in the Guitar Superstore, Hendrix seeks out Dr. Ray Charles, hand specialist. “Doc, I’ve got to get my hand fixed, are you experienced?” “Of course,” says Dr. Charles, “I could do this with my eyes closed.” However, during surgery, Charles’s assistant male nurse Stevie Wonder leaves a 5-foot towel in Hendrix’s arm. As a result, he cannot play his guitar anymore due to the pain and swelling in his arm.

Horrified at the crushing of Mama Cass, John, Paul and George leave the ruined Bentley and walk down the road to the nearby National Guard base. “Hey, let’s take one of those helicopters,” exclaims George, “they have so many anyways, and the government won’t miss them!” John volunteers to fly as he’s taken over 30 hours of lessons and is certified. The three men climb into a helicopter and take off, alerting the whole base to their presence. While in pursuit, Private Gump falls, sprains his ankle and is then run over by Lieutenant Dan who is driving a Humvee and didn’t have time to steer out of the way to avoid Gump. Pulling out onto the main road, he is hit by Sgt. Eric Clapton, who is driving a pickup truck he appropriated from Dan Fogelberg under color of legal authority to join in the pursuit of Paul, John and George. Clapton is knocked unconscious from the collision and Lieutenant Dan, unaware of Clapton’s injuries, continues on.

Paul, looking down from the helicopter sees the Lincoln Park Zoo below. “Look at the walruses down there!” He yells. “What?” Yells John, and when he looks over the side, he accidentally nudges the controls to the helicopter and tilts it such that Paul falls out and lands directly in the open mouth of a large male walrus. Landing the helicopter, John and George try to extricate their friend from the now satiated walrus, but Paul is too far in the walrus.

Finally catching up to John and George, Lieutenant Dan arrives with his dinged up Humvee full of National Guardsmen, “Stop, or we’ll shoot.” The pair freeze.

Discuss all claims, privileges and defenses for all parties involved.